Preschool Lesson #3: Positive Reinforcement Actually Works Better than Bossing People Around
November 19, 2009 at 5:08 pm, by Louise Sloan
OK, if you can bear it, here’s another Important Life Lesson I’ve recently had pounded into my brain thanks to my three-year-old son’s preschool experience. Drumroll, please: If you try to control people through criticism and intimidation, you’re likely to make them depressed, unmotivated, angry and rebellious.
When we last left young Scott, he had turned into the Tasmanian Devil due to stress, lack of exercise, and sleep deprivation. In my blog entry about it, I didn’t mention the main reason behind his behavior change: a strict but inexperienced preschool teacher who maintained classroom discipline by issuing constant, sharp reprimands.
Discipline & punish
Within literally the first hour of his first day of school, Scott had been reprimanded multiple times and had been given two time-outs (for not sitting properly in circle). Another boy had been given a time-out, as well. A girl who shouted out, “sunny!” when asked what the day’s weather was like was immediately corrected, on two counts: one, raise your hand first. Two, use your indoor voice. Yes sir, sir!
Indeed, as preschools go, it was not unlike boot camp. But the teacher was sweet and pleasant in other ways, and I figured, well, he has to learn these things at some point. Spare the time-out and spoil the child, and all that.
Another mom had a different take on it: She was so horrified by what she saw, she pulled her kid out of the class after day two. I thought she was totally overreacting and probably was one of those hippy-dippy, “whatever you want, dear” parents who let their kids scream and run wild in restaurants.
One month later, my kid was spoiled, all right, but it wasn’t permissiveness that did it. The continual no’s and don’ts and punishments had quite rapidly changed him from a happy-go-lucky boy who was up for anything and consistently played well with others to a detached, depressed, angry and hostile little terror. The transformation was astounding and heartbreaking.
A gentler approach
Here’s the good news: Two weeks ago he was switched to another class with a more experienced teacher who had equally firm requirements regarding behavior (Montessori preschools have exponentially more rules than typical preschools, I’ve learned—who knew?).
There was a big difference, however. The new teacher inspired that good behavior by engaging the kids, accentuating the positive, gently educating them about her expectations and being sure to notice and remark on it when the kids did the right thing. Consequences, when necessary, were meted out without negative emotion or judgment, the way a cop might say, “Here’s your ticket, ma’am.”
I’ve been attempting to do the same thing at home, and I can tell you, it’s a lot more work than just handing out old-fashioned reprimands and punishment. But it’s vastly more effective. The new teacher had no problems with my son, and within a few days, Scott’s stress level plummeted, his behavior at home improved, and his sunny personality started to peek out again.
The “duh” factor
In the business world, this clear-expectations-plus-positive-reinforcement thing is Personnel Management 101. In the self-help world, it’s Relationships for Dummies. There are a million experts out there peddling books that basically tell you that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But the reason there are so many people running around making their living off this simple advice is that it’s so easy to forget and often so hard to do.
As a species, we must be programmed to be knee-jerk negative, especially when we’re in a position of power (as in parenting). But think about it: who do you work harder for, the boss who is demanding but who consistently appreciates your efforts, or the one who only communicates with you when your work’s not up to snuff? If your husband cleans out the garage but you only comment about the dirty socks he left on the bathroom floor, how motivated do you think he’ll be to do the next big home-maintenance project?
I’d say my management style as a boss and as a teacher, when I’ve been one, definitely features a lot of positive reinforcement. But in my personal life, both as a partner and a parent, I’ve too often kept my mouth closed when things are right, and open when things go wrong.
Another preschool lesson learned
Watching a “no,” “don’t,” “you better behave or you’re in trouble” management style affect my young son so profoundly has been one of the worst experiences of my life. But because the change in him was so rapid, so huge, and so clearly linked to a particular way of interacting, I hope that seeing it has changed me for the better, as a parent and a person. I’m now thoroughly convinced of the power of the positive.
Do you have a story to share about learning a similarly hard but essential lesson?
A postscript for those of you who wanted to know how it all turned out: This week, Scott started attending a more play-based preschool, which incorporates lots of music and movement and playground time into the curriculum and where creativity and exuberance are valued and encouraged. When I left him there this morning, he was behaving beautifully—and positively glowing with happiness.
Categories: Ladies' Lounge | Tags: | 4 Comments
4 Responses to “Preschool Lesson #3: Positive Reinforcement Actually Works Better than Bossing People Around”
Written on November 19, 2009 at 6:35 pm, by Tracy Przybysz
Beautifully written, and profoundly true, regardless of age! Well done, Louise.
Written on November 19, 2009 at 6:58 pm, by juliana
i have seen the exact same thing in my own son…he will only respond to non-shaming,non-punitive discipline and it is HARD, very hard at the end of a long day to redirect and not just react. but if i want a good result that is what i must do. interesting however about the idea that a boss would get this…however,while raising 4 kids i have only ever worked in minimum-wage, i need this job or else we’ll be living on the street jobs…all my bosses have ruled with the lash and sadly, i have needed the job enough to endure it.
Written on November 20, 2009 at 11:52 am, by Sue Erneta
Louise,
Great post! I’m so glad Scott is doing better. When I had some behavioral issues with Sophia, our pediatrician recommended this book:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960
It was amazingly helpful. Lots of “why didn’t I think about that before!” moments!
Written on January 8, 2012 at 8:49 pm, by Googehoa
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