Can This Marriage Be Saved? While I Was Trying to Get Pregnant, He Was Having an Affair

January 20, 2012 at 10:38 am, by Lauren Piro

Infidelity, fertility troubles, major work-life imbalance—Anna and Brent, both 37, hit every relationship-shaking rung on their fall down the marriage ladder. But even big bumps and bruises aren’t necessarily a death sentence. Listen in on how they started to patch things up, and find the full story here.

Anna’s turn: Anna always thought she and Brent had the perfect life—they don’t fight, their families love each other, and they’ve always shared similar values. But before long, some hurdles got in the way of wedded bliss. Both Anna and Brent have super demanding jobs, which adds a ton of stress to their schedules, including time spent trying to have a baby. Anna’s had fertility treatments to help them along, but she’s also had two miscarriages. She’s devastated, but Brent barely batted an eyelash—he often keeps his feelings hidden. When he started drinking more and dodging her phone calls, Anna started to get suspicious. She never thought he would cheat, but one day it all came out. Brent confessed he was sleeping with a woman named Kay, a co-worker, and he’s not even sure he wants kids of his own. Anna believes that marriage is forever—but how will she ever trust him again?

Brent’s turn: Overall, Brent had reached his breaking point. He loves his work as a lawyer, but of course, it’s quite stressful. He feels overwhelmed with baby-planning—a life stage he’s not even sure he’s ready for—and hates his and Anna’s house. The tension has forced them further and further apart, and they rarely make time for sex. Instead, one night after a particularly rowdy office party, he turned to Kay. He’s ashamed, so he ended the affair, but Kay still works with Brent, and he’s not in a position to move her to another department or leave his job. He’s just not sure what to do any more.

The counselor’s turn: The counselor’s prescription for repairing Anna and Brent’s relationship was three-fold. They needed to work on building trust, nurturing the marriage and restoring sexual intimacy. Keeping Kay out of Brent’s life was a key step, though a difficult one since they worked together. To make Anna feel comfortable, Brent agreed to tell her every time he saw Kay, listen to Anna when she needed to vent, and check in with Anna throughout the day. The counselor told Anna she was allowed two 20-min outbursts of anger per day before she had to cool it and avoid dwelling on the affair. Before long, Anna needed this provision less and less as she learned to focus on improving their marriage. They’d found themselves in “polite marriage,” sidestepping conflict—and not really communicating—because that was what their parents were like. Once they started talking more openly, they were able to see each other’s point of view more clearly. As far as sex, they progressed slowly, but the counselor reassured them that good sex builds on itself, so the more they got comfortable with intimacy again, the easier it would be to reconnect fully. Now, their marriage is well on its way to firmer ground, with honesty and respect guiding them forward.

What do you do to make sure you communicate well with your husband? Tell us in the comments or tweet us at @MarriageBeSaved with the hashtag #CTMBS.