When searching for that special someone in the dating world, it’s always good to have an image of what he should be like. I didn’t start out by coaching women in their love lives; I started out coaching men. It’s funny when I think about it, because what women want from a man is what I was trying to teach them all along.

In any case, there are quite a few qualities that make a man great. In reality, looking for a guy who has these qualities is not as hard as people say. But if you want to have a higher chance of finding love, identify the ones that matter to you most and stick with them. In my personal opinion, all men should have these qualities and I don’t associate with nor respect ones that don’t.

1. He’s a gentleman. A great guy needs to be polite, respectful, considerate, and attentive to a woman’s needs. This includes classic gentleman behavior such as pulling out a woman’s chair, walking on the car side of the street and taking her coat. I personally believe that if all men were gentlemen, we would live in a better world. Today, this is far from the truth, so guys who do have this quality stand out. It’s also worth noting that great guys never cross the line of being inappropriate.

Read 7 more ideal-man characteristics at YourTango.com: Finding Mr. Right: 8 Qualities That Define A Great Guy

More from YourTango.com:

• I Love You: 15 Ways Guys Say It Without Saying It
• 7 Sex Positions Men Love
• Should You Go Natural For Your Next Hair Removal Session?

— By Alex Matlock for YourTango.com

Getting bored of the usual dinner and a movie date? Us too. There are plenty of other ways to get to know each other and strengthen your bond. That’s why we came up with these fun date night ideas you and your guy will both enjoy.

Sex: Expert Advice & Tips

From wine and beer tours to volunteering, these are exciting adventures you and your guy will remember forever.

Love: Tips & Expert Advice

From getting silly (and in touch with your inner children) to volunteering together, see all the creative ideas to spice up your date nights at YourTango.com: 25 Date Night Ideas That Aren’t Cheesy

More From YourTango.com

• 50 Love Quotes We Adore
• 7 Sex Positions Men Love
• 5 Unique First Date Ideas To Try Tonight

For instance, she recently worked with a couple who had been in traditional therapy for eight months and were on the brink of divorce. It might sound too good to be true, but by the end of the second session using Dr. Heitler’s techniques for tactful talking, attentive listening, and collaborative conflict resolution, they were recommitted to staying together—and making romantic gestures that would never have happened just months before. “They still have more learning to do,” says Dr. Heitler. “But their love returned because they can both recognize when they’re falling back into old, counter-productive habits now.”

Dr. Heitler has worked with hundreds of couples over the years, and she created Power of Two to share that expertise with all of us who can’t see her in person. Maybe you’re wary of professional counseling—of the time or money required, or of what people might think. Or maybe your relationship is just starting to show signs of strain and you want to prevent future problems. Check out Power of Two. It’s not traditional couples’ therapy: The whole process takes place online and on your own time—it’s accessible, affordable, and private.

“When couples don’t resolve their conflicts the right way, it creates anger, depression, and anxiety — but we can prevent that,” says Dr. Heitler. “These learning materials mean that more couples can have a great relationship and marriage.”

If your marriage is in need of a little TLC, check out Power of Two. And come back soon to read Dr. Heitler’s 5 favorite ways to keep your marriage strong.

Shawna and Keifer entertaining the troops here at LHJ. Be sure to watch their performance clip, after the jump.

They may have just been crowned the Academy of Country Music’s Vocal Duo of the Year, but Thompson Square certainly flexed some potential Entertainer of the Year muscle when they visited us here at Ladies’ Home Journal a few weeks ago. Shawna and Keifer Thompson not only impressed the room with an intimate, stripped-down set of their hits (be sure to check out the video after the jump), but they also earned an instant, easy rapport with the staff and kept us all in stitches with their hilarious stories and banter. (One coworker enthusiastically emailed me her review after their performance: “It was like a 2-for-1 show—music and comedy!”)

Still, when the husband-wife act landed in Las Vegas last month for the ACMs, they were—to hear them tell it—feeling like long shots. “You’re going up against Sugarland and they’re kind of like the new Brooks & Dunn,” explains Keifer, giving props to the two acts that have dominated the Vocal Duo category since 1991. “We’ve been around a couple of years, but it’s really just been a year and a half that we’ve been in the thick of things. We figured it might take us four more years to even get close.” But luck proved to be a lady—and her husband—that fateful night: T2 hit the country music jackpot and became the first new act to take top honors in the duo category in 20 years.

“It’s hard to process all that’s happening. Just hearing you introduce us in there and saying we’re the Vocal Duo of the Year, it’s weird. It’s a strange feeling,” Shawna admits. “I kind of compare it to getting married,” Keifer adds. “You think you’re gonna have this amazing feeling come over you, like, ‘Oh, we’re married, and this is what it feels like when you’re married.’ But it doesn’t work that way. It probably took us 10 years for us to finally feel like a married couple. And that’s how all of this feels. None of it feels real. It’s truly a dream come true.”

While Keifer and Shawna remain incredibly humble, the award is far from being undeserved. Their breakthrough single “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not” was the most played song on country radio in 2011 and they’ve taken home three American Country Award wins plus multiple Grammy and CMA nominations in the past year. And in a few weeks they’ll be vying for two CMT Music Awards, with a double nomination (for both “I Got You” and “Glass,” their latest release) in the Duo Video of the Year category.

“We don’t have any kids but I’d imagine it’d be harder to say that one’s better than the other,” says Shawna, finding it difficult to play favorites with her video creations. Keifer is equally as torn, but ultimately does reveal a preference. “I thought ‘I Got You’ was a brilliant video. [Director] Wes Edwards did a fantastic job of putting that whole thing together and it was so different,” he says. “ ‘Glass’ is our new single and you want that one to win, too, but from an aspect of what deserves to win? ‘I Got You.’ Hands down.”

Whether they come out on top at the awards show, a win is definitely headed fans’ way when the duo heads back into the studio later this month to work on new music for their next CD. “We actually got about 16 things demo’d and we’re going to start to put some tracks down in preproduction,” Keifer says, noting that there will be a more diverse range of material on the new album than on the first. “We’re gonna have some really beautiful ballads, which we don’t really have on the current album—except for ‘Glass.’ We were just really scared about being pigeonholed with that whole ‘hokey married couple’ thing on the first record.”

The CD will still be rockin’, though, Shawna promises, proving she’s learned some lessons on the road from all of the extensive touring T2 has done. (Currently, T2 is opening for the red-hot Lady Antebellum Own the Night tour.) “It’s hard when you’re a new artist to go out and play new songs for people that aren’t familiar with you,” Shawna explains, “so it’s important to have some energy. When fans come to our show, they’re going to hopefully have a good time and rock out with us.”

For now, you can rock out with Thompson Square by viewing their fun-filled LHJ performance after the jump. You’ll also find some highly entertaining bonus interview moments, in which I get their he said/she said take on everything from KISS-ing on the ACM red carpet, what drives them nuts about each other and why Keifer may start following Blake Shelton’s lead on Twitter.

Shawna and Keifer on the recent two-year anniversary of the Nashville floods and how the city responded.
She says: Nashville just came together. Being a musician is almost like being part of a sorority or a fraternity: Everybody just kind of looks out for each other. I think that was a big part of Nashville getting back on its feet.
He says: It’s an extension of your family. It really is. That was definitely a test of its will and character, and Nashville definitely showed the world what it was made of. It wasn’t like, “Will you help us? Will you help us?” It was just, like, done. It just got done.

Shawna and Keifer on being a couple act in the world of country music.
He says: I love being in the duo category. When we do the Opry, they put us in the duets room so you’ve got pictures of Johnny Cash and June, and Porter and Dolly. Everybody. It’s awesome, man.
She says: The first time we performed at the Opry and they put us in there, we were both very emotional, seeing those pictures on the wall.

Shawna and Keifer on how the song “Glass” made it’s way to them.
She says: Somebody at the label played that for us and the demo was originally a male song. Keifer tried it, and we played around with it at the house to see if it would work for us. We have to do that with different keys and stuff like that, just because of the harmonies and everything. And it didn’t seem like it was flowing very well with him singing it so he was, like, “Why don’t you try it?”
He says: I liked it much better when we switched it.
She says: So we went into the studio and recorded it and we just felt like it’d be a really good way to introduce my voice. On the first two singles, it’s primarily Keifer. “Kiss Me or Not” is the Keifer show, as he likes to say, and “Glass” is the Shawna show …
He says: [teasing] Just like you like it.

Shawna and Keifer on why they shot two videos for their latest release “Glass.”
He says: We don’t agree on anything and she wanted to do a black-and-white one and I wanted to do a color one. So instead of fighting about it, we just shot two.
She says: It seemed like the easiest thing to do.
Keifer: They’re vastly different.
She says: Just the mood is different.
He says: I like the way that [director] Wes [Edwards] shot the color video. I just really like Wes. He’s such a great guy and he put so much effort into it. The other video I do like, too. It’s very intimate but one-dimensional to me.
She says: It’s very classic looking.

Shawna and Keifer on what real-life gripes about one another didn’t make it into their song “As Bad As It Gets.”
She says: Oh, there’s so many! There’s one I talk about onstage every night before we do that song: Keifer is notorious for leaving the cabinet doors in the kitchen open when he goes in for a bowl or a plate or something. And I have to go around and shut them. It’s not even just the cabinets, it’s the drawers. Like, he’ll go in for a spoon, so you walk in and it’s, like, “What is going on in here?”.
He says: (Sighs.) It’s such a terrible thing. (pauses) We didn’t talk about you being a slob.
She says: I’m pretty messy. I’m not going to argue with you on that.
He says: There’s just stuff everywhere, man. My side of the room, 99% of the time is very clean and you can see the floor. My bedside table is dusted and everything is where it should be. And in my closet, all the shoes are arranged a certain way, all my clothes are up. And you can’t even open the door of the closet because all of her crap is just, like, it’s just like … it’s like she’s a hoarder! It’s terrible. It drives me friggin’ nuts, man.
She says: Well, the problem is we don’t have enough room to store everything and be organized.
He says: No, no, no, no, no, no. The problem is you don’t pick up.
She says: I don’t. I go in the closet and I’ll find an outfit and then I’ll be, like, I don’t want to wear that. And then I’ll just kind of throw it.
He says: And it carries over to take out food.
She says: (big guilty laugh)
He says: You get something to go and you leave that crap out. Like, she had some spaghetti the other day and I was gonna see how long that bowl would sit there with spaghetti in it.
She says: Oh, Keif!
He says: It was! I pay attention to that—because I’m the one going around and cleaning up everything. But whatever, it is what it is. It could be worse.

Shawna and Keifer on the one thing they would change about the other.
He says: I would like to have some help cleaning up your stuff all the time. That would be a really great improvement. That’s about it, though. You’re alright other than that.
She says: I’m trying to think of something.
He says: See, that’s how good I am. Next question, please …

Shawna and Keifer on the one trait of the other that they hope will never change.
He says: I think her innocence. When I met her, there was an innocence about her. And she still has it. There’s just something really cool about that. And the genuineness of how she is and what she believes in. She shoots me straight most of the time. And I like that.
She says: Keifer’s very supportive. I’ve had a pretty rough year, so far, with losing my dad and stuff, so just him being there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Shawna and Keifer on dealing with Twitter haters.
She says: It’s just weird because since we’re in the public eye, people feel like it’s okay to say whatever they want to say and they don’t think about you being a human being. I would never go up to a stranger on the sidewalk and say, “You look fat in that.”
He says: Or “Your hair looks awful. You need a stylist.”
She says: I would just never do that. I would never say anything that hurtful to somebody.
He says: People are very brave because they know I’ll never see them. We just turn our fans loose on them and they usually go away.
She says: For a while we had our “Twitter Hater of the Week” and we would repost tweets.
He says: We would take a picture of [their tweet] and—we didn’t tell our fans to do it, they just did it—but they’d see the Twitter name and go whoooop! And there’s actually people that shut their Twitter accounts down. They just kept getting pounded. It’s funny, man. If I could really be open on Twitter, I would have a blast with it. That’s what Blake [Shelton] does and I think that’s why he’s so big on Twitter. I mean, I would love to just tell these people exactly how I feel when they say something like that, you know. Maybe I’ll start doing it, I don’t know.

Shawna and Keifer on posing with KISS on the red carpet at the ACMs.
She says: That was an incredible night.
He says: I’ve been a fan of KISS since I was a little kid. My cousins turned me on to them when I was really small.
She says: I honestly grew up listening to pretty much nothing but country because my parents were country music fans. But I remember my cousin having a KISS record and I just thought it was so cool, the makeup and all that. And then after we got married, KISS came to Nashville and we went to the concert. I was so obsessed after that. And I watch Gene Simmons all the time on his TV show.
He says: I’ve seen them three times. It was weird because we were doing an interview and Gene was standing next to me and he put his arm around me and shocked my ear because the red carpet was very electric that night. He shocked my ear and he goes, “This one’s cute!” It was cool. It’s so intimidating because they’re so big in those boots. It’s crazy. It’s genius. I’d love to [tour with them]. I think it’d be awesome. We talked about doing a CMT Crossroads and having them sing “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not.”

Shawna and Keifer on Keifer’s odd cake-eating style.
He says: After the ACMs, Lady Antebellum had a cake made for us that said congratulations and had our picture on there, so I cut out Shawna’s face …
She says: Of course, the piece that he goes for …
He says: I was gonna eat her face. That’s me eating her face.
LHJ says: But why were you holding the fork like that?
He says: Because I’m gonna stab it. (They both crack up.) In a good way.
LHJ says: So who got the piece of cake with your face on it, Keifer?
He says: I don’t know. Some lucky soul. I’m sure it was the best tasting cake they ever had. Shawna looks like, “What are you doing?”
LHJ says: Well, it’s kind of sweet, actually. The wanting to have the piece with her on it part—not so much the stabbing part.
He says: It’s actually just how I eat cake. I get in there, man, and just dig it out.

Shawna and Keifer on perhaps the coolest headphones. Ever.
She says: Keifer actually forgot his earbuds that day and we were on the airplane, and I was, like, I have my Hello Kitty headphones if you’re brave enough to do it.
He says: I said, I’ll wear it.
She says: Yeah, these are mine. They were a Christmas gift from my brother last year. I’m a little obsessed with Hello Kitty.
LHJ says: How was the sound quality from them?
He says: They were okay. Not bad.
She says: They’re comfy.
LHJ says: So what were you listening to?
He says: It probably was Bruce [Springsteen].
She says: For Keifer’s birthday, I got tickets for us to go see Bruce in Jersey.
He says: Was that on the way? If that is on the way, I was definitely listening to Bruce. Yeah, that’s it! Good show …

You’ve been a film critic and entertainment writer for almost 30 years. How did that experience inform your first novel, which is about marriage and relationships?

I am a married film critic and entertainment writer with relationships. Some of which, I confess, are a little convoluted. This novel began as an idea for a screenplay: What if we melded Warren Beatty’s handsome rootless philanderer in Shampoo with Michael Keaton’s overwhelmed dad in Mr. Mom? It seemed like a funny concept. However, as it turned out, I’m a prose girl. The movie idea morphed into a novel.

With his sensitive nature and commitment to parenting, Lance is the heart and soul of the book. But he’s also having an affair. Was it hard to construct a sympathetic cheater?

Making Lance sympathetic without demonizing his wife Darlene was one of the great challenges of the book. Personally, I am the daughter of a relatively sympathetic cheater. My dad was no saint, but he was no demon either. I was a daddy’s little girl who adored her father, and growing up we had this kind of very easy, affectionate, unconditional love. And then, when I was in my early twenties, I discovered that I’d lived in a house where a pattern of infidelity on my father’s side gutted my mother. Being daddy’s little girl was suddenly a difficult position to have within the family politics. And, on top of that, when I found out about my father, I was still crying over a post-college live-in relationship with a serial cheater with whom I was crazy in love. That’s a long time ago, but fidelity, and understanding how infidelity molds a family, and a relationship, has been central to a lot of my writing. In the end, I came to understand my father, which is not exactly the same as forgiving, through my love for Lance and [his daughter] Belle.

California and its distinctive socio-economic, political and meteorological climate is almost another character in the book. Was there a special reason you chose that state as the book’s setting?

I was born and raised in California. However, my parents were from out-of-state, so I was always a bit of an outsider. A visit with my family inspired me to write this story. I know Southern California well, but by the time I was writing the book I had an outsider’s objectivity.

As for the meteorological events, they grew more powerful as I revised. In the movie Shampoo, the domestic story is set against a political election. As the election heats up, the anti-hero’s love life gets more complicated, leading to his inevitable crisis. I wanted that kind of external backdrop, and I wanted the events to unfurl in a short number of days, so I created a fictional Santa Ana that ultimately expanded, through research and opportunity, into the Witch Creek Fire.

Some of the scenes featuring Wren and Lance during their adult “playdates” are quite graphic. Did you have any qualms or difficulty in writing those sections?

Oh, I had qualms. I had difficulty. And the book came out when I had tween and teenaged kids, so that added another layer of mortification. My son, 16, and daughter, 12, couldn’t read my book though I have a row of copies to the right of my desk. And I am horrible talking about sex. Ask my husband! I’m either completely tongue-tied and inept, or abrupt and graphic. But I learned that I’m much better writing about it because I force myself to be specific. I don’t let myself fudge or pad. Also, when I first began writing sex scenes, I wanted to show what sex was like from a woman’s perspective, rather than a romanticized, or an idealized male point-of-view. When I saw the opening scene of the movie Bridesmaids, I felt a smile of recognition because those girls were trying to do the same thing, to share the women’s perspective, but in a much broader, slapstick way that I could definitely appreciate. The earth doesn’t always move.

Obviously, wildfires are all-too-real in California, but I was wondering if there was also a symbolic meaning to the fire in Playdate?

There’s that old Fiddler on the Roof lyric from “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” sung by the daughter that’s fitting: “playing with matches, a girl can get burned.” These parents, who are following their bliss and not putting their children’s needs first, are taking a huge risk with their kids, and the integrity of their families. Certainly, the Witch Creek Fire intensifies the conflicts in the book. And the fact that the characters believe they are immune from the danger because they live near the coast reflects the fact that they also feel immune from the ramifications of their individual actions. When a father cheats, he doesn’t just satisfy himself, he also betrays the trust of his wife—and his children. And there are real consequences to that.

At the same time, I tried to remember that children play with matches. Wildfires strike every year. Husbands and wives stray. Children’s lives are shaped by adult realities beyond their understanding. Life is often lived amid crisis and recalibration after crisis. So, I treat the situation that my characters create with empathy and understanding and a generosity of spirit that’s available to an author, but perhaps not to a betrayed spouse or a child.

Belle, Sam and Max, the children in the book, maintain their innocence throughout the story despite the sordid adult lives around them. What was your rationale there?

I love those children as if they were my own creations, which they are. Belle is a stew of me as a kid and my son and daughter as they grew up and passed through that awkward age just before adolescence. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s sensitive. She’s fragile. And she acts like she knows a lot more than she really does. She’s definitely a product of that generation of parents that treat their children as friends (I’m guilty of that, too!), and doesn’t build strong parent-child boundaries.

These children are pre-pubescent, and despite Belle’s wisdom beyond her years, she still doesn’t get what is happening around her. Children really believe in the sanctity of their parents’ marriages, and that’s what makes divorce so crushing. They are incapable of seeing their mother and their father as separate individuals with their own arcs.

Marriage in your book is difficult, complicated and flawed. Were you trying to make a statement about modern marriage?

Hmm. That’s like a test question: marriage is a pit of snakes— agree or disagree. I guess I think, despite being married to a terrific man for 25 years, that marriage is “difficult, complicated and flawed” some days or even months. And sometimes it’s easy, smooth and a primary source of connection. I look at our kids and think: “that’s us, together, that’s what we’ve made under this roof.” And that makes me sublimely happy.

Now, my father used to say: “marriage is a flawed institution.” That made his cheating somehow grander than a personal decision to step out on his wife. And yet consider the alternative: Being a single mom isn’t easy; nor is being a single dad. If you want children, it’s not easy to be childless. If you want a partner, it’s not easy to be single. What’s easy?

The changes of the past few decades have reshuffled the deck, creating great opportunities, and muddying the waters of traditional marriage. It’s chaotic, and to a certain extent it’s liberating for women and men. On the other hand, someone still has to get pregnant and go through labor, and someone has to earn a living, and someone has to clean up the mattress when the kids spits up in the middle of the night.

So, my statement about modern marriage is a work in progress. When I figure it out entirely, I’ll give you a Yoda answer. In my book, the marriages hit a rough patch. Do the couples live happily ever after? You decide.

We’ve just done a dramatic redesign to make Ladies’ Home Journal much more cutting-edge and fun. But have we gotten, uh, a little too groovy? In short, what were we smoking?

Actually, this is hardly the first time we’ve covered illegal drug use. Way back in 1963, we ran a feature in which Cary Grant talked about the amazing experiences he had on LSD. It was before all the risks were known and it was part of a medical experiment, but still! LHJ? Who’d a thunk it?

The reality is, Ladies’ Home Journal has a long history of covering the reality of women’s lives and current trends, even when it’s controversial. Back in 1906, we endorsed sex education as a way of preventing sexually transmitted disease—an idea that some people still disagree with. Since then we’ve covered everything from housewives struggling with drug addiction (1971) to moms struggling with raising gay teens (2010). Our readers have always been plugged-in, modern women, and we’ve always provided them with content that keeps them informed and up-to-date.

So, yeah, we’ve come a long way since the “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” of ’53 in which one husband’s quote was, “Nancy could learn a lot from some of the secretaries in my office. They know how to be sweet and feminine.” Yikes! Very Mad Men, while the “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” for April 2012 is admittedly closer to Weeds. Still, it’s very much in line with our editorial tradition.

Reactions to our March issue, the first of the current redesign, have been positive: “Looks fabulous and reinvigorated. Love it!” one reader tweeted. “Great job, y’all,” another reader wrote us via email. “Was thrilled to see my old favorites were still in there,” she said. We seemed hipper, yet still the LHJ she loves. The real story is that we were always pretty hip. Your grandma probably did subscribe to Ladies’ Home Journal, but we’ve never been a grandma magazine. We are up-to-the-minute and ahead of the curve—and have been, for a very long time.

We love the show Life Dare: Host and life coach Liz Nead helps women tackle challenges big and small to—as she says—”put some life back into your life.” Amen, sister! So we knew we had to team up with her for our April story on mental flexibility, “Go With The Flow.” Our story is all about trying to relax and be less rigid about the little (and big) things in your life, so Liz found a woman who needed a little help loosening up and produced a special episode for us. Guest Lisa isn’t a big fan of foods with weird (to her) textures and flavors–slippery, raw, and spicy foods were just not her thing. But she was ready to break out of her habits—with a little help, of course.

Watch Lisa as she faces her food attitudes on camera. They explore raw foods with chef and nutritionist Sheree Clark (can you really put sweet potato with pineapple in the juicer?), slippery foods at Django in Des Moines (Lisa doesn’t want to gag on oysters in front of you!), and spicy food with Chef Brandy Lueders (spicy Indian food can be really hard on your stomach). Slippery, raw and spicy—will Lisa make it through all three food experiments and leave her old food routine behind? Watch now, above (or see it big here).

But wait, there’s more! (Because if you watched that fun episode, you probably want to tackle your own challenge, right?)

• Feeling inspired to loosen up and let go yourself? Sign up for your own 30 day Life Dare designed by Liz. You can also win a free coaching session with her (enter here!).
• Check out the recipes that Lisa tasted on the show and submit a comment about your own food phobias to win a coaching session and Life Dare kit.
• Want to know how it all came together? We’ll take you behind the scenes.
• Watch more episodes of Life Dare TV and subscribe at lifedare.tv.
• Dare to jump into the conversation! Liz will be hosting a #LHJlifedare chat on Twitter on Wednesdays at 9:00pm ET each week!

Marlene’s turn: On their honeymoon, Marlene couldn’t believe much she loved Roy. They wandered the streets of Paris hand-in-hand, and she couldn’t imagine a life apart from him again. That is, until the honeymoon was over (literally), and all she wanted was some quiet time for herself after a long day at work as a litigation attorney. Instead, Roy follows her around the house, craving her attention. That is, when he’s not leaving a mess in the kitchen, half-finishing chores, or missing important appointments. Plus, their sex life is just not good—Roy gets too nervous, and they’ve tried everything make it easier. Lingerie, videos, Viagra … everything. Marlene loves that Roy has become a father figure for her son Carl, but that seems to be the only item in her “pro” column. Should she have just stuck with her single, yet peaceful life?

Roy’s turn: Roy is terrified that Marlene is going to leave him, but he doesn’t understand what he’s doing wrong. So what if he leaves a spices out on the counter? He’s made his wife a delicious gourmet meal! Big deal if he’s not a handyman. He’ll gladly pay to have someone come work on their house! And why does Marlene avoid him when he tries to start a conversation? Husbands and wives are supposed to talk! Their sex life is just the icing on the cake. Roy feels horrible about not being able to please Marlene, but the more pressure-packed the situation becomes, the harder a time he has.

The counselor’s turn: When asked to rank their biggest marital complaints, Marlene and Roy laughed to see that they’d listed the same problems—but from opposing viewpoints. Marlene yearned for alone time, but Roy felt like she never wanted together time. Marlene hated that Roy never cleaned up after himself, but Roy felt like she was overreacting and didn’t appreciate the nice meals he made for their family. And finally, Marlene didn’t understand why Roy couldn’t do some household chores, but Roy preferred to pay someone else to play handyman. Out loud, this all seemed pretty trivial, so the counselor urged them to remember to pick their battles, and promise to make compromises. Soon enough, Marlene and Roy were able to enjoy married life again—outside and inside the bedroom.

Did you find love after your first marriage? Tell us in the comments or tweet us at @MarriageBeSaved with the hashtag #CTMBS.

No Cheating, No Dying

Q. After nearly a decade of a marriage that was not broken, what made you decide to fix it?
A. I noticed that I was being lazy-brained about my marriage in a way that I was not about the rest of my life. I had stacks of book on how to be a good mother. I kept up with the latest research on how to stay healthy. I put a lot of effort into my friendships, my work life and staying fit. But I had an attitude about my marriage that it was either star-crossed or it wasn’t. And once I noticed that attitude, it seemed silly. So I decided to change it.

Q. How did your husband, Dan, react to your proposal?
A. With horror! I’m sort of kidding. But his first reaction, when I brought it up, was “I can’t think of anything worse.”

Q. Where did the name of the book No Cheating, No Dying come from?
A. Those were our secret vows. Of course we stood up at the altar in front of our friends and family and promised to love and care for each other for richer and for poorer, in sickness and health and all that. But privately we said to each other: no cheating, no dying. We figured our marriage could survive anything else.

Q. You refer to a lot of marriage psychology publications and self-help books. Which ones did you find particularly helpful to you as a couple? Why?
A. Stephen Mitchell’s Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time really had a huge impact on me. Mitchell argues that romance doesn’t die in marriage due to neglect. Romance dies because we kill it, on purpose, as it becomes increasingly dangerous. We are so dependent on our spouses. These days husbands and wives aren’t just lovers or financial partners. We’re also co-parents, emotional supports, best friends. We can’t bear to think of our spouses as anything less than entirely predictable. And as a result we can start to think they’re boring and unromantic. But really, we’ve just put our spouses in that box. We need to take them out again.

Q. You and your husband went to therapy to work on your marriage. Do you recommend that other couples with “good” marriages do the same? If not, what should they do to keep their marriage on the right track?
A. Absolutely! And when we started this project, I was not a big therapy person. I figured why muck around in the past? But therapy turned out to be so valuable for us. It helped us understand ourselves and our marriage before little problems metastasized into big ones. Once the little problems start growing, the problems cause secondary problems of their own. You start hurting each other. You start becoming estranged. Even going to therapy becomes scary — what if it pulls you farther apart? But when you’re in a good place in your marriage, therapy can be wonderful. Think of it in the same terms you think about physical therapy. Therapy can be all about wellness. Take care of your relationship and your emotional life like you take care of your body.

Q. What effect did your marriage-improvement experiment have on your children — 8-year-old Hannah and 5-year-old Audrey?
A. You know, the kids were so young that they didn’t really know about the marriage-improvement experiment. They saw us have a couple of fights, which probably wouldn’t have happened had we not decided to stir the pot, as it were. But they’re also really the beneficiaries. Dan and I are even more solid now than we were when we started. There is a huge upside for our children in that.

Q. Since you had never been to therapy before, it was particularly hard for you to open up during your counseling sessions. How easy or hard was it to share with readers difficult personal moments like your worst fight with your husband and the heart-wrenching decision to terminate your pregnancy because your child faced devastating birth defects?
A. I knew when I decided to write about my marriage that I needed to be 100% honest with the reader. So I had a mantra for myself when I was writing No Cheating, No Dying, “Just be totally honest and everything will be okay.” Readers know when you’re telling the truth. The truth has power. Staying in that place of total honesty was harder some days than others. Writing about the terminated pregnancy was very difficult.

Q. Are you still using any of the techniques that you learned while working on your marriage? If so, which ones?
A. Yes! Some of the techniques that seem the most silly and hokey when we were learning them have really found their way into our lives. For instance, we took a marriage education class that focused on communication skills. Some of them seemed so petty and basic like: don’t exaggerate, precede criticism with praise, and don’t just listen to your partner’s words, slow down and feel what your partner is feeling. I knew all these things at some levels. But now I think about them.

Q. How would you describe your marriage today?
A. It’s fantastic. So suffused with love. It’s both more passionate and calmer. I feel incredibly lucky.

Q. A bone of contention in your marriage was your husband’s monopoly over the food preparation in your household, and you are very detailed in your description of the exotic family meals that he creates (cardoon fritters one day and tripe the next, for example). What’s for dinner tonight?
A. I’ll have to consult the chef. Hold on . . . Okay, he reports that he’s making an oven-roasted chicken with farro and kale with preserved lemon. What time will you be over?

Who better to know how to heat up your Valentine’s Day than a woman whose business is romance? Romance novelist Robyn Carr (robyncarr.com) has been honored with multiple RITA awards from the Romance Writers of America and her Virgin River series (the newest installment is

1) Set the scene. If you’ve ever read a romance, you know that the sex can be pretty steamy. But rarely do the characters just start going at it and rarely do I give them a chance to get away to a quiet lodge. That’s just not how life is. But I do like to set the scene—let them flirt a little to heat things up. So how can you do that in real life? Traditional things like candles and good lighting are nice, but go the extra step and get rid of distractions. Turn off the phone. Turn off the TV. Send the kids to your mom’s house. Turn on some music so you can’t hear the garbage truck doing its weekly pick-up. (And try a faster-paced mix of tunes for a change!) Make the two of you the focus so the “scene” can happen without any interruptions. My characters are at their hottest when they’re concentrating on each other and nothing else.

2) Write your own romance story. Sometimes words are all you need. Take it from someone who spends her whole life creating romantic scenes from words alone. Take advantage of their power by sending a letter detailing your plans for Valentine’s Day (and night) to your partner. You can stick it in the mail a week before Valentine’s Day so he has a few days to imagine what’s coming. For some last minute “story-telling,” a sexy text message will work too. Just be sure no one at his office will get to his phone before he does!

3) Men are visual creatures.  So give him something to visualize. When I’m writing from the male perspective, I use a lot of descriptions and write about what he’s seeing. That’s because that’s how most men are; they think with their eyes. So give your man something to see. It doesn’t have to be traditional sexy lingerie. In fact, be sure it’s something you feel confident in: You might be more of a jeans-and-boots kind of woman than a Victoria’s Secret type. One of my favorite lines in Virgin River when one male character says to another, “What that woman does to a pair of jeans should be against the law.”

4) Read out loud. Okay, this might sound a little cheesy, but I’ve found that reading gets just about anyone in the mood. Case in point: In one of my books, the hero liked to read biographies and the heroine loved her romances so the hero read the romantic scenes out loud her. It was delicious. To make this work for you, find a short scene (ideally one page or so) you think is romantic. Mark the page (so you don’t have to flip through a book in the moment to find it) and tell your partner that you want to read him a scene that inspired you for tonight. The more you can make it about you and him, the better. I promise he’ll be turned on thinking of you reading a book and imagining him in a hunky role.

5) Take charge. I like strong women. My heroines know what they want (even if they have to work to get it). You’d be surprised how hot guys think it is when women say what they want and take charge in bed. Show him what you want. Better yet, tell him.

6) Remember to focus on fun. Do the things you enjoy doing together, whether it’s camping or going to a movie. Laugh together. Hold hands. I swear the biggest reason I’ve been married as long as I have is because my husband can always make me laugh. Humor in marriage is probably one of the most important components. In my last book, Hidden Summit, date night starts out with a lot of joking about the foibles of just learning to date; laughter feels good and couples who have fun together often have more trust and better intimacy.

7) Become a romance heroine. My main characters aren’t all corsets and lace. (Although if that works for you, go for it!) The best part of modern-day romance figures is that the women are real. They have jobs, friends, bills to pay. They’re businesswomen and mothers. But they are still hot and so are you! But in order to be hot, you have to believe it. So take some extra time before you go out for Valentine’s Day. Wear something that makes you feel good about yourself. Put on your favorite red lipstick. Wear your most flattering outfit. And before you walk out the door, look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I am a real life romance heroine.” Just do it. It will be our little secret. And when he shows up for date night in his worst double-knit pants and the sweater with a hole in it, roll your eyes, have a laugh, and love him anyway.

Image via Flickr user Sister72