Bathroom Humor: 50 Jokes to Crack You Up

No, this is not a collection of potty jokes -- although this stuff has been known to induce pee-your-pants fun. It's a big list of memorable zingers from our favorite comedians, plus share-worthy videos that always get us laughing. Add your favorites in the comments.

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1. How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars...
—Steve Martin

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
—Ellen DeGeneres

3. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
—Jerry Seinfeld

4. Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That's now escalated into "You take care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."
—Rita Rudner

5. My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
—Roseanne Barr

6. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
—Mitch Hedburg

7. Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
—Jon Stewart

8. I got my first bikini. It's a three piece: it's a top, a bottom, and a blindfold for you.
—Wendy Liebman

9. We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
—Paula Poundstone

10. I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
—Tracy Smith

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