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1. How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars...
2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
3. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
4. Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That's now escalated into "You take care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."
5. My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
6. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
7. Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
8. I got my first bikini. It's a three piece: it's a top, a bottom, and a blindfold for you.
9. We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
10. I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
11. A homeless guy came up to me on the street and said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
12. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
13. I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it's just kind of a tired feeling.
14. There's one food I won't eat, which is the hot dog at the movie theater, because I feel like there's no USDA preparation guidelines for this meat. They used to be impaled on spears rotating inside a Timex case. Suddenly, that's gone -- replaced by the foot massage, log roll jamboree. And they never look like they're cooking. They just look like they're sweating.
15. I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: "I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer."
16. One time I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and I didn't have a coupon. People talked about me in line. "He doesn't have a coupon. Is he all right? You don't think he's dangerous, do you?" One lady felt sorry for me. "You don't have a coupon? Do you know how to get home? Is your name in your jacket?"
17. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
18. A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
19. A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
20. I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!"
21. Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
22. In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
23. There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
24. I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. "Oh, your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city."
25. I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is to be like, "Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy." If I was to do a "here's what's waiting for you at home" photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all!
26. I am in a fantastic mood tonight. I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience. It's called "Tester."
27. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
28. An escalator can never break -- it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
29. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
30. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
31. "Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. It doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
32. I get the Reese's candy bar; if you read that name "Reese's," that's an apostrophe s. Reese-apostrophe-s, on the end of the name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"
33. You ever notice that when people are thinking in movies, they're always chewing on the end of their glasses? Like, "If we give the alien a cold..." You know what they're really thinking? "This tastes likes wax."
34. A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."
35. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also, pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
36. I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.
37. I love being married. It's great, but I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!" She wins most of them anyway. I might as well be on the winning side occasionally.
38. Everything you have on your car has a very specific function with the exception of one thing: the instrument panel dimmer switch. Why was this invented? Are people's eyes too sensitive for the five-watt bulb behind the speedometer? It's like, "Oh, don't worry about those oncoming headlights, but this odometer light -- it's burning my retina."
39. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
40. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."
41. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
42. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
43. I was working recently in London -- what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates. The cashier said, "That'll be 10 pounds." I'm like, "Rub it in, why don't you?"
44. As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it seems, the meaner they are. Last year I received a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it read, "At least she can still attract flies! Love Mom."
45. I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual because I am not to scale.
46. Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.
47. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I'm not even sick -- it's just that I've been working out, and I want someone to see me naked.
48. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
49. Ever been at your job and you get so bored and sick of doing it that you just go to the bathroom to hang out? You don't even need to go. You just want a change of scenery for a little bit.
50. Women, we have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. Could we invent something? Because the best I can do is a mohawk.