"He Cheated with a Woman from the Gym"

The Counselor's Turn

When I first met with Ericka and Peter, she was understandably angry and he was tense and tearful. Peter was so ashamed that, without prompting, he'd already begun a campaign to win Ericka back by severing all contact with the other woman and reassuring his wife how much she meant to him. Those actions, along with his willingness to respond to her questions and angry venting, were critical in helping her feel secure.

My first goal was to help Ericka calm down and stop demanding that Peter move out. I strongly believe that couples should try to work through problems while they live under the same roof. "Betrayal turns your world upside down," I told her, assuring her that the emotional roller coaster she'd been riding was normal. "But his infidelity is not proof that you're unattractive or unlovable. It simply means you have a problem in your marriage that needs to be resolved. We're going to work on that together. So hold off on the ultimatums."

Like many couples, Ericka and Peter had placed their relationship on autopilot while they raised Ericka's daughters and built their careers. "If you sleepwalk through a relationship, you're setting yourselves up for the possibility that one of you will look outside the marriage for comfort and connection," I told them. In my experience, affairs are rarely about sex. Partners stray because they want to feel wanted. "Saving" this young woman, who needed and admired him, helped Peter feel better about himself during a difficult time in his life.

Despite Ericka's desire to call it quits, I had a gut feeling that she and Peter would be able to work through this crisis. They'd been very much in love earlier in their relationship and it was clear that they truly liked each other. But the infidelity was a wake-up call that their marriage needed tending. While Peter's behavior was clearly wrong, they both shared responsibility for the erosion of intimacy in their relationship. They had to work at restoring it together.

We looked at Peter's past for clues about his cheating behavior. Peter had felt rejected most of his life. He'd never had a relationship with his dad, who constantly criticized him. And though he was close to his mom, she died after a long illness when Peter was only a freshman in college. When you lose a parent at a young age, it can be very difficult to handle. Even though he knew he had no control over his mother's death, Peter felt that he should have been able to save her. His dad's criticism only underscored his belief that he was a failure, and he went into a tailspin.

His marriage to Ericka had boosted his self-esteem, but his ego was still pretty fragile. So the combination of turning 40 and struggling with his new business, especially when Ericka's was successful, made Peter feel as powerless as he'd felt in his 20s. His wife's apparent lack of interest in his emotional life intensified those feelings. He felt lonely and unappreciated. Meanwhile, Julie's neediness made him feel like the strong, capable man he yearned to be. Though Peter's initial intentions were innocent, the choices he made -- meeting Julie for coffee, helping her write her r?sum?, and sending it to his colleagues -- led to infidelity.

Hearing Peter describe his loneliness moved Ericka deeply. She acknowledged that she'd been too wrapped up in her own world to be the kind of partner she wanted to be. And she agreed that she had to curb her criticisms and rethink her communication style. Ericka grew up with alcoholic parents and learned early on that she needed to take care of herself. Yet her independent nature sometimes made her insensitive and brusque. She frequently talked over and interrupted Peter, who took longer to gather his thoughts. When that happened, I'd say, "I'd love to hear what your husband thinks about that!" She got the message that she needed to pause, breathe, and slow down so she could choose her words more carefully. I coached Ericka and Peter on how to become better listeners. "When Peter tells you something about work, don't let your mind wander or offer your own opinion," I told Ericka, as an example. "Look him in the eye and rephrase whatever he tells you so he knows that you've heard him."

Ericka took all these ideas to heart, even suggesting that she and Peter make evenings a cell phone–free time, except for calls from her daughters. Without that distraction, they've been able to strategize about how Peter could handle problems with his business partner. Ericka and Peter also started creating more of the kind of small daily or weekly rituals that can act as superglue for a marriage. Ericka stopped going into the studio on Sundays, leaving her assistant manager in charge. After church they pick a new restaurant for brunch, then spend the afternoon walking along the beach or trying a new recipe for dinner. They've started training together for a marathon, too.

As the tension at home eased and their connection deepened, conflict around small issues took on less importance, and the pain of the affair started to fade. Looking back, Ericka couldn't pinpoint when things turned around for her. "I just started to feel more confident," she said. "Over time, there were far fewer days when I thought about Peter's infidelity and many more when we'd talk, laugh, and hug each other like we used to."

Can This Marriage Be Saved? Is the most enduring women's magazine feature in the world. The story told here is true, although names and other identifying information have been changed to conceal identities.