"My Pastor Husband Had an Affair"

Her Turn

"I'm such a fool," said Kara , 34, whose husband, Will, a minister, had a six-month affair with a woman she considered her best friend. "I knew Will and I weren't as close as we used to be, but I never thought there was another woman. Jan lived down the block with her husband and daughter Zoe, 5, who often played with my sons Brad, 7, and Timmy, 5. We relied on each other: If I had to rush to a church meeting, I'd leave the boys with her. If she had an appointment, she'd drop Zoe here. Jan always praised Will to the skies. 'He's everything my husband isn't,' she'd say. I didn't think much of it -- people often put their pastor on a pedestal. "Will always told me if a parishioner so much as flirted with him, yet he never said a word about Jan. He did seem very hostile toward her in the weeks before I found out. She'd invite us for a barbecue and he'd refuse, point-blank. Later I learned that he'd been trying to sever their relationship, but she wouldn't leave him alone; she kept calling, e-mailing, and showing up at his office.

"Eventually, she told another woman in the congregation about their affair, and that woman told me. I confronted Will, and he broke down and confessed. He said he'd deflected Jan's overtures for months but then, for reasons he couldn't explain, gave in. They met in motel rooms. Will kept telling me again and again how sorry he was and how much he loved me. And he assured me that the affair was over.

"I could scarcely believe this was the same man I'd known and loved for 11 years. Will was always the straight arrow, the guy you could trust to do the right thing in any situation. But as shattered as I was, I had to believe that underneath all the bad behavior that man still existed. He begged me not to leave him, and I agreed. We said our vows 'for better or worse,' and I take that seriously. I also didn't want our kids to have a broken home.

"We both knew word would spread quickly in our congregation, so after a sleepless night, we drove to denomination headquarters and told our church elders. Will's license was suspended for two years. If he wants to minister ever again, he'll have to be supervised by another pastor. We weren't required to tell the congregation why Will was leaving, but we both wanted to. So, the following Sunday, each of us read letters from the pulpit. Will's voice shook as he explained his wrongdoing and the shame he felt at letting down both me and the congregation. When it was my turn, tears rolled down my cheeks as I told the congregants that I loved my husband and was committed to our marriage despite this betrayal. No names were mentioned. Jan wasn't there; she'd probably heard through the grapevine what was about to happen. After the service the vestibule was filled with people begging us to stay. The support was gratifying, but Will had broken their trust and had to leave."