"We Don't Have Sex Anymore"

Her Turn

"My husband and I had a great life," said Anita, 32, a medical receptionist in Pennsylvania who's been married for eight years. "We enjoyed parenting Miguel, our 6-year-old son; we were deeply in love and very attracted to each other. I remember an afternoon about 18 months ago. As we sat in the bleachers at Miguel's T-ball game and watched him bat, I squeezed my husband's hand and said, 'We have a perfect life.' Then, one week later, Hector came out of the bathroom with a frightened look on his face. 'There's blood in my urine,' he said.

"Tests detected a malignant tumor in his bladder. We were shocked. He'd always been healthy and there was no family history of bladder cancer. Hector had successful surgery to remove it, but his six-week checkup revealed a new tumor in another place. That's when we got really scared. He had a second surgery to remove his entire bladder and create a new one from his small intestine. Since the cancer had come back so quickly, the doctor suspected it had spread to nearby organs. 'I won't know for sure until the procedure is under way,' he explained, 'but I'll do whatever's necessary to save Hector's life, including removing his prostate.' The doctor urged us to bank some sperm in case I wanted to get pregnant again, but we only ever wanted one child. Besides, we were too scared Hector might die on the operating table to worry about the reproductive or sexual implications. After the surgery, the doctor said he'd found cancer cells in Hector's prostate and that he'd used a nerve-sparing technique to remove it, to preserve sexual function. 'In time, you should be able to get an erection, but it's impossible to predict,' the doctor said. He also told us that Hector's odds of survival were good, but that he needed to start chemotherapy immediately and be regularly monitored for several years.

"The chemotherapy lasted four months, requiring him to take a medical leave from his job in management for a home-products company. The side effects were horrible. Acne broke out all over his face, he slept most of the day, and his sense of smell was distorted, causing nausea if I got too close to him after shampooing my hair. He also became moody and distant, barking orders for me to fix his pillow or bring him a glass of water. Meanwhile, I was beside myself with fear that the cancer might come back and exhausted from keeping up a good face for Miguel. We didn't tell him the severity of Hector's illness, but he obviously knew Daddy was sick.

"After Hector finished chemo, the doctor said we could have sex. Neither of us felt terribly romantic, but we tried, and Hector couldn't get an erection. He got a prescription for an erectile dysfunction drug, but it caused all the side effects listed on the insert: headaches, indigestion, a stuffy or runny nose. After a few more unsuccessful attempts, Hector gave up on the drug -- and on all physical closeness with me. It's now been eight months since he's even touched me."