"He Works So Much That He Had a Heart Attack"

The Counselor's Turn

When Charlene and Gordon came to see me they both seemed tense and exhausted. It was clear they cared deeply for each other but both of them were so focused on their careers and all the stuff they were spending money on that they'd lost the ability to nurture their relationship. I soon realized that, for both of them, this dynamic was rooted in their childhoods.

Charlene and Gordon both came from lower-middle-class backgrounds and both of them had felt deprived as children. When they became financially successful, their self-worth became tied up with how much money they earned. That's not unusual in people who grow up poor. More importantly, neither of them had received the emotional support they needed from their parents. Gordon's mother and father belonged to a strict religious sect. They cut him off when he took a different path as a teenager. Charlene's parents divorced when she was a girl. Her mother raised her on her own and she rarely saw her father. Both members of this couple felt they had a lot to make up for -- and a lot to prove. They needed to show the world, and themselves, that they were worthy and special. And that meant having it all -- the big house, the best clothes, and cars, and everything else.

In a way, they also saw each other as prized possessions. In law school Charlene had been the most beautiful and athletic girl in their class and Gordon felt he'd made an amazing catch. To be able to support her in high style was a huge boost to his ego. For Charlene, being supported by him -- while she worked at a job she loved but that didn't pay very much -- helped soothe some of her insecurities. But his obsession with work also made her feel abandoned all over again. So she wanted him to do two incompatible things -- keep earning enough to buy her lots of stuff and start spending more time with her. Gordon couldn't satisfy both of these demands, so he stuck to fulfilling her material needs. That's the model he'd learned from his own father, an emotionally distant man who'd worked hard to raise his family out of poverty.

These lingering childhood issues wound up causing trouble in their adult lives -- and not just for the marriage. Gordon was barely there for his children. He was neglecting his own physical health. And despite their affluent lifestyle, Charlene had begun to feel increasingly anxious. They'd both ignored these problems while their life was moving along normally. But when Gordon had his heart attack, it was a wake-up call for both of them.

I helped them understand the roots of Gordon's workaholism and how Charlene had inadvertently contributed to it. I also helped them open up to each other about their emotional lives. Before they came to counseling, Gordon had never told Charlene how pressured he felt to keep the cash rolling in. Nor had Charlene ever told Gordon how much she missed having his undivided attention. As they talked and listened, each of them began to understand their own responsibility for the state of their relationship.

But getting in touch with their feelings wasn't enough. They also had to change their habits. That was especially hard for Gordon, who felt that cutting back on his hours at the office would be perceived as weakness at work. After much discussion, however, he requested a two-month medical leave. Once he was home, he and Charlene started going for daily walks together and eating healthier than they had before. With some guidance from his wife, Gordon discovered that he enjoyed cooking. Charlene even got him to take up meditation, after she read that it could help lower blood pressure.

Ultimately, though, Gordon had to take charge of his own well-being -- for everyone's sake. That would mean learning to say no to his boss and his clients when the demands of work threatened to overwhelm other aspects of his life. I urged him to leave the office in time for dinner at least a few nights every week and to set his iPhone to respond with an out-of-office message on weekends.

Working a little less might require accepting a cut in income. So I encouraged them both to reexamine their relationship with money. I pointed out that going to restaurants less often would be better for their wallets as well as their health. Charlene had always shopped at expensive department stores because it made her feel rich and successful, but I suggested she try waiting for big sales or hitting discount stores. She discovered that finding a good bargain gave her a similar sense of success. Then there were the cars. Eventually they decided to trade in one of their big gas-guzzlers for a Prius. They also looked into cheaper ways to have a great vacation. Next summer they're going to Canada using a home-exchange website that lets you swap houses with other travelers.

For now they've decided to put their goal of buying a house on the back burner. Instead, they're hatching a plan to go into business together, giving legal advice to start-up companies in exchange for a stake in the profits. And they're reframing their idea of what success means. Their new definition has to do with lowering their stress levels, staying healthy and rekindling their closeness as a couple and a family. They've come to understand that the labels they wear have nothing to do with their value as people.

It's been six months since Gordon's heart attack and he and Charlene now both see that crisis as a blessing in disguise. At our last session Gordon told me, "I feel like I've got a real partner now, like Charlene really has my back." And Charlene added, "This was a horrible, traumatic experience, but I know the work we've done because of this crisis has made our marriage stronger."

Can This Marriage Be Saved??? is the most enduring women's magazine feature in the world. The story told here is true, although names and other identifying information have been changed to conceal identities.