Scary Dates

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Dates from Heck

We've all got a first-date horror story. Here, several women reveal their most horrifying dating don'ts:

Smile! "My girlfriend was raving about how great this guy was, so I agreed to have dinner with him. He told me he had just bought a little house, and invited me back for dessert. I thought that was nice. As we ate dessert in the living room, he gave me a funny look. Then he smiled, and I saw he was missing one front tooth. I tried to smile politely, but he held up the [missing] tooth in his hand and said, 'It's fake! You couldn't tell!' I don't think I would have minded the fake tooth, but I didn't need it shown to me -- nor did I need him to ask, 'Can I kiss you? If you run your tongue through the hole, I'll bet it'll feel really weird.' No... no thanks." Rene, Portland, Oregon, 34

Ole -- Oh No "I was on a first date with this guy, and we were having Mexican food. Yum, right? Yes, until he decided to move in for a smooch -- and pushed a Jalapeno pepper from his mouth into mine. What was that, his special move? Thank you very much, Zorro!" Denise, 40, Brooklyn, New York

Dinner and a Restraining Order "It was a great date with a cute, charming guy: dinner, then drinks and chit-chat, and finally a walk around this groovy little neighborhood. Finally, he stopped, and said he 'wanted to come clean, since we'd had such a nice time' and said he wanted to take it further. He just had to be honest first. The reason he was wearing long pants, not shorts, was that he was wearing an electronic bracelet on his ankle. He was under house arrest -- for stalking his ex-girlfriend. Did I mind, he asked? I said I didn't, but then made sure my airline reassigned me so I'd never fly through his city again. Ever!!" Anne, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, 34

A Third Wheel "I was set up with a guy. He asked if I'd like to go to a Kings hockey game, and I said sure, but when he picked me up there was another woman in the front seat. He didn't introduce her, but said he was dropping her at the airport, and I proceeded to sit in the backseat feeling like a little kid while they babbled away in French. His cocky attitude continued, and I tried to fake some stomach pains to get out of the game at half-time, but he insisted we go out to some clubs afterward (where he had "connections," which never materialized). Thank goodness I ran into some friends at the club and could leave with them. But it gets weirder: a year ago I ended up in the ER with an allergic reaction to a sinus shot, and this fella was my doctor. And he asked me out again! No thank you, Dr. Ick!" Karyn, Los Angeles, California, 35

SpongeBob DorkPants "My worst date never actually happened, thank God. I saw this guy, Paulie, online, and when we spoke on the phone, he sounded like he really understood women, because he had grown up with lots of sisters, you know? So the night before our beach date, we talk on the phone to confirm. He asks me what kind of bathing suit I wear. I say I have both a one-piece and a bikini, and I switch off depending on my mood. So he hmphs, and says 'Usually, when girls wear one-pieces, it means they're trying to hide something, like a fat stomach.' I'm like, okay, whatever. But he keeps going: 'Do you go to the gym?' I said no, but I left out the fact that I run four times a week, because how is it any of his business? Finally, he goes, 'Look, I can't see from this picture what your body looks like, and you might be fat. And I don't date big girls.' He goes on to say that he's concerned about my health, and says he couldn't date a woman who doesn't work out." I said, 'Why are you being such an ass?' and he responds that he didn't know I had such a rude vocabulary, and couldn't date me now anyway. Which was the correct answer, for once." Jillian, Cincinnati, Ohio, 26

Intestinal Terror "This guy took me out for sushi. Yay. But it turned out to be an all-you-can-eat joint. Boo. If there's one thing I think you shouldn't cheap out on, it's raw fish. I stuck to the safe stuff, but he ate enough for me, him, and the next table -- then disappeared for 40 minutes. I wasn't sure what to do. Finally, he returned, belt in hand, and recounted (a) that he had an attack of diarrhea, (b) that the bathroom had a mirror so he was able to watch this diarrhea happen, and (c) that he had taken off the aforementioned belt so he could feel more comfortable. That was all I needed to hear, really -- domestic details like that should be saved for after marriage, I think. Maybe even for after divorce." Debbie, Maplewood, New Jersey, 33

Hey! Remember Me? I'm Your Date! "I went out with a Seinfeld look-alike, which was bad enough to start with. He took me to a show where we were seated at long table with a gaggle of girls. By the middle of the show, I looked over to see him completely sitting with his back to me, deeply engaged in conversation with one of the girls. Not wanting to make a fuss, but not sure what to do, I went to the bathroom for a moment of peace. Her friends followed me in there, apologizing: 'She does this all the time,' they said. 'She's such a bitch. We're so sorry!' I said it was no problem -- he really wasn't my type anyway. I hope he got her number and they're very happy together." Cindy, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, 36

Red Hot and Blech "I had gone out with this guy a few times, so we went back to his house to make out. But before we could sit on the couch and get comfortable, he took a handkerchief, removed the bulb from the nearby lamp, and replaced it with a blue lightbulb. Now that he had his mood lighting ready, he turned on the stereo. What came on? 'Nights in White Satin' by the Moody Blues. I'll admit that I did make out with him, since I didn't know how not to... but it wasn't for long, and he never got past first base. Okay?" Betsy, Montclair, New Jersey, 35

Clothing Optional "This guy and I were kissing on the couch after our first date. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I came out, he'd taken off all his clothes. I repeat: He had taken off all his clothes! When I expressed surprise at this turn of events, he said, 'What? I thought that's why you went to the bathroom.' Hey, you've got to give him points for trying. But points were all he got that night!" Sarah, 45, Bloomfield, New Jersey

Waaay Too Much Information "He seemed so great online, but when we met, he began detailing the show he'd seen at an S&M club the previous weekend. Lots of hog-tying, plenty of whipping...When he got to the part about the knives, I blurted out something about having to run to dinner, shook his hand, and ran out of there. I should have said, 'I didn't mean to cut you off...'" Irene, Brooklyn, New York, 36

Continued on page 3:  Five Fast Escape Tactics


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