Nothing Says Love Like a Big Metal Chicken

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Who's at the Door?

Victor was surprisingly mad that I'd "wasted money" on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn't appreciate the hysterical value of a five-foot chicken ringing the doorbell. Then I said, "Well, at least it's not towels" and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that's when Victor screamed and stormed out. I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there. Then I yelled through his door, "It's an anniversary gift for you, you big jerk. Two whole weeks early. Fifteen years is big metal chickens."

He yelled back that he wanted it gone, but the thing was so big I couldn't move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch TV. When the UPS guy rang the doorbell, I ignored it and hid so I could hear his reaction, but all he said was, "Dude. Nice chicken," and Victor yelled, "It is not a nice chicken!" Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor.

Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away. Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I'd stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window. And I was like, "Exactly. You're welcome."

I told Victor that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he hasn't. Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyoncé's feet to dissuade burglars. Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him. Still, I can't help but think that we wouldn't even be having this argument if Beyoncé were towels. Honestly, this whole chicken thing is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully. Plus, he's awesome and I can't stop giggling every time I look at him. Beyoncé, that is.

Best. Fifteenth anniversary. Ever.

A version of this essay originally appeared on Jenny Lawson's blog, "The Bloggess." We laughed so hard reading it that we felt it deserved a wider audience. Jenny swears that she and Victor are still happily married.

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Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal, March 2012.

 

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