Relationship Q&A: I Caught Him Looking at Porn

Q. I caught my husband looking at an online porn site. I think pornography is immoral and degrading, and I worry that he finds these women sexier than me. How can our marriage ever be the same?

Joyce Dolberg Rowe, L.H.M.C., a psychotherapist in Hull and Quincy, Massachusetts, answers:

A. By nature, men are more easily aroused by visual stimulation than women are. But that doesn't negate the fact that you feel disappointed and turned off by your husband's behavior, and he has to take those feelings seriously if your marriage is to heal. That means he needs to tell you exactly how often he visits these sites and why.

Explain to your husband that you feel unloved and insecure when he looks at images of nude women, and let him know specifically what you need from him in order to feel special and sexy once more -- be it romantic gestures, extra cuddling in and out of bed, or more assurances that he finds you desirable. In time, you should be able to trust him and feel secure in your sexuality again. But if, after talking openly, you still feel that his interest in pornography is threatening your marriage, consider seeing a professional counselor, either together or individually.