Infidelity: To Tell or Not To Tell

The guest therapist offers advice on how to cope with infidelity.
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She's my friend

Q. I just discovered that the husband of a close friend is having an affair. I'm distraught--and if the situation was reversed, I know I would want her to tell me. Should I let her know?

A. This is a tough one--and many of my colleagues are divided on how best to handle it. If you say nothing, you feel terrible because you're harboring a secret from a friend you care about, and that makes you party to the betrayal itself. On the other hand, unless your friend has already admitted that she doubts her husband's fidelity, telling can set off a cataclysmic reaction. You pit yourself against her spouse--and may well compromise your friendship. Then, too, perhaps she knows already, and has chosen, for her own reasons not to say anything to you. Perhaps her husband's dalliance is a one-night mistake in an otherwise solid marriage. Your information could send it headed to divorce court.

That said, I always believe that it's best to let a friend know what you know--and the way you deliver the information can make all the difference. First, consider your own motives carefully. Do you really want to spare your friend pain--or are you feeling somewhat self-satisfied since you never liked her husband to begin with? When you're clear on this, you'll be able to make your friend understand how much you care about her. And if her marriage is in trouble, she'll need you to be there for her. You can say: You know how much I care about you and your happiness. I saw something that troubles me deeply, something I'd want to know if the situation was reversed. Ask for permission to share your info, let her know that you have mentioned this to no one else, and that you'll wait for her cue about doing or saying anything else.--Margery D. Rosen

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? Do you have a problem with someone in your life? Does your spouse promise to do something, but never get around to doing it? Do you feel that you're talking to wall when you talk to your kids? Does a friend not understand the meaning of the word no? We'd like to help. Write to the Guest Therapist at LHJ.com and our experts--top psychologists, family and couple therapists from around the country--will help you better understand what may be wrong and how to make it right.

Continued on page 2:  I don't trust him

 

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