Are You Boring in Bed?
Am I a Humdrum Lover?
You might suspect that you are provoking erotic ennui. "If you're asking the question 'Am I boring?' the answer lies with you," says Gardos. "Are you bored? Then you're probably boring." The fact is, you probably know, deep down inside, if your performance is lackluster -- and you can begin talking to your partner about how to improve things. Then again, there's a chance that what you think makes fireworks, really makes your guy fizzle. Again, though, the answer is communication -- and you mustn't ask unless you can handle the answer. "This doesn't have to be approached like a big, intimidating summit meeting," says Jennifer Isham, a Chicago-based sex therapist and sex coach. "If you have a good relationship, you should be able to discuss things without judgment -- don't get mad at his desires, and don't let him squelch yours." Of course, it might be too intimidating (and ego-smashing) to hear him come out and say, "Darling, you're a crashing bore." So you can approach the situation indirectly. When watching a movie, instead of snorting with derision when Michael Douglas puts Glenn Close's butt on the kitchen counter, ask, "Would um... you like to do that, ever?" Or leave him a copy of a sex-advice book, like The Guide to Getting It On (Goofy Foot Press, 2000) or Marty Klein's Beyond Orgasm: Dare to Be Honest About the Sex You Really Want (Celestial Arts, 2002). You can even leave the books with a stack of blue Post-it Notes -- and a highlighter. You may find yourself verrry interested in his choices! The good news is, a lackluster love life does not spell doom for a couple. You have a lot of options, once you start talking about things. And if you're willing to try, and you've got a good guy who'll work with you, you can up your interest quite a bit.