Revealing Questions

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The situation: You're shy about sharing your fantasies with him. Say: "Let's each make a list of 10 things we fantasize about and see what we have in common." Why this works: Pooling your raunchiest resources is a great way to help yourself feel less self-conscious. "Nothing is weird if two people like it," says Wolf. And rest assured, he'll be happy to hear anything that comes after, "I want to have a chance to explore new things with you in a way that I never have with anyone else...."

The situation: You're not as hot for him as you used to be. Say: "Let's get all dolled up and go on a date." Why this works: It's not unusual for passions to cool a bit -- especially if you've been together a while, or he (or you!) doesn't make it to the gym as often as he used to. To get your juices flowing again, suggest a date night -- even weekly, if you can swing it. The anticipation of your date coupled with some extra effort to dress up should help your sexual interest increase.

The situation: He's having trouble maintaining an erection. Say: "Is there something that would really turn you on that we haven't tried yet?" Why this works: That's one way of gently opening a conversation you must have -- out of bed -- or one off-night may multiply into many. "His worrying that you're silently judging him will only add to his performance anxiety," says Dr. Spector. Opening the lines of communication is an essential first step toward a solution -- say, a visit to a physician, or Viagra -- and it may even do the trick all by itself. If talking about it doesn't work, you might gently encourage him to schedule an appointment with his doctor for additional assistance.

The situation: You're bored with your sexual routine. Say: "I've got an idea...!" Why this works: "Women still expect to act more like the gatekeeper, but men say that they want someone to initiate, that they want to be made love to, too," says Dr. Spector. Saying "I'm bored" or "We never ..." is not sexy; saying "Hey, what can we do to be more playful and adventurous?" is. Even sexier: going ahead and buying him the silk boxers, lighting the candles, running the bath, or making the weekend getaway plans.

The situation: You want to tell him how to bring you to orgasm. Say: "Mmmmm....!" Why this works: Instead of sounding like a drill sergeant ("Left! Right!"), show him. Says Wolf: "Move his hand to where you want it -- or start touching yourself, smile your sexiest smile, and say, 'Here, watch.'" He'll be speechless.


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