The Secret to Soulful Sex: Spiritually Fulfilling Sex

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"Let Your Wife Be a Fountain of Blessing for You"

"The Song of Solomon" stresses the need to be intentional about your sex life. It rejects the myth that sex is just doing what comes naturally; that path will only lead to self-centeredness because you'll just do the things that please you without considering the needs of your mate. At the risk of being labeled politically incorrect, men and women are simply wired differently. When it comes to sex, men are like a light switch. They turn on quickly. Women are more like an iron; they take time to warm up. Another way to think of it is that men are like microwaves while women are like Crock-Pots.

The only way to learn the needs of your mate is by talking about them in specific detailed ways. Speaking candidly, I know this from personal experience. When Kay was a child, she was sexually molested and it left her broken and wounded. How could anyone find joy in physical intimacy after such an evil experience? Being a typical male, I thought counseling was there to help Kay heal, but once there, I had to face a lot of my own issues.

But it was absolutely worth it: We not only learned to communicate with each other but also began to see the incredible power of "two becoming one." We learned to be specific in expressing our needs, even sexual needs, to each other. Rather than asking vague questions, we learned to be specific in our requests. You'll find that the atmosphere of emotional intimacy this develops is well worth the risk of being open, honest, and specific.

You don't have to be perfect to be loved by God. No matter what you've done -- or in the case of abuse, no matter what someone else has done to you -- God still loves you. I can say with confidence that no matter how big your problems seem, God's purpose is even bigger. I have seen God melt wounded and hardened hearts, replacing bitterness with forgiveness.

To be honest, sexual differences don't get better by ignoring them or avoiding them, and deep, authentic intimacy won't develop haphazardly. You might need some counseling. Don't be discouraged: Every couple struggles with making sexual adjustments in their marriage. Bob Baker, who heads the counseling ministry at Saddleback Church, says it takes patience and time to build a satisfying love life. In order to truly understand the desires of your spouse, you must allow yourself to be taught by your spouse, just as your spouse must learn about your desires from you.

So don't give up! It takes time, but it's never too late to begin intentionally building an intimate atmosphere of affection in your marriage. Consider this encouragement straight out of the Bible: "Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love."

The Hebrew language of this biblical passage suggests we should "be exhilarated..." by our spouse. In other words, let your wife steal your senses away. Now that's the Bible talking about sex; that's God talking to us. God's ideal for intimacy in marriage is that it should be fun and fantastic.

May it be so in your marriage.

You can learn more about living the Purpose Driven Life by going to or by e-mailing Rick Warren at

Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal magazine, March 2006.


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